I would like to talk to you about the "soft skills mania". Here is the first of the drivers of this article. Why the mania? Because blogs, websites and organisations dealing with personal development have become widespread for some time now. And the more popular the topic becomes, the more experts appear, and the field of "soft skills" is associated with success more often than not professionally... The second motivation, comes from a conversation I had recently, in which the interlocutor said that communication is about specific techniques that only a specialized person can convey. Besides, it's not the first time I hear that communicating is complicated and that it requires skills and strategies to get others to behave the way we need them to behave. Totally agree, but in all this process we seem to forget our own soul and that of others. And I wonder, is it worth making things so complicated when it comes to something as important as our relationship with ourselves and those around us? Aren't we devoting too much effort in the wrong direction?
Why do we bother with personal development and soft skills at all?
Many people believe that they will develop and be "successful people" if they attend as many soft skills courses as possible, read as many books as possible and apply the techniques learned there. But often this does not generate the desired effects precisely because the answer to the question "why do I do all this?" is not "to know myself or to love myself and love others" or similar. And the process is a continuous one, without results, then eventually the conclusion is that the trainings or books in question are not good, that they are just stories that "don't apply to us, maybe in the USA, in Romania, people don't think like that". And so we start again. In the same way people think they'll be happier when they have more money, only to find out with each increase in income that they want more...and they become happier when they realize that that state doesn't come from money, just as real development doesn't come from mechanically applying methods.
Learn how to influence people! (to do good things), a different way of saying: be brothers with the bad guy, until you cross the bridge
When people complain to me that the people they interact with in various environments are not good/hard/correct/kind/trustworthy I urge them to be first as they want others to be and (almost) invariably the response is "let them be first!" or eyebrows raised in disapproval. And often it's people who are passionate about development and soft skills, but approach the issue from the perspective of: "if I'm nice to people I'll get something out of it, if I apply the techniques I learnt in soft skills seminars I'll be a successful person" and it's not just their fault, because that's what many in the soft skills field convey: "if you attend our courses and apply those techniques you will be able to do things that will bring you success and prosperity you want".
You become a brother and you don't hit the end of the deck...
And since slogans sound good, rather than really trying to change yourself, it's easier to "try" to be assertive, actively listen, be kind and proactive all day, so that in the evening you'll feel drained of energy because you did all these things forcibly. The problem arises precisely from misapplying the process of change, from mimetic rendering of what has been learned, the goal not being the relationship itself, but just getting the result.
As an example, we are kind and benevolent to our colleague, boss or employee because we want something from them or because it is nice and polite, not because we care and we really want to be in the conversation, we want to enjoy the moment spent with the person we have in front of us. And just like in college, many people don't study until the session and we wait for the day to pass and go to our "homes" where we can't wait to get there. We overlook the fact that we spend most of the day in the company of souls with whom we "mimic" relating. People thus become milestones, and just as a skateboarder speeds around glasses set on the asphalt rushing to finish the race, so we end up doing the same...morning to night, day in and day out. Until when?
I am, YOU are, WE are
The real gift of personal development techniques or soft skills is the knowledge of self and the mechanisms by which we operate, not "success" or at least not in its western version, oriented towards the accumulation of positions, titles and money...not that money is a bad thing, on the contrary it allows us to do wonderful things.
Metaphorically we can speak of good change when it happens from the inside out, not the other way around. Only then will the change become permanent, although it is much harder to achieve. It goes from the simple ability to listen to an opinion without making any value judgements about it, to the more difficult acceptance that others are a manifestation of the energy of the universe in the same way that we are a manifestation of the universe.
I love ME and I love YOU!
Development is an exercise in (re)finding and/or strengthening self-esteem and self-love, as well as love for others. I am sure that by using the word love in relation to others I am at least scandalising those who say: "I only give my love to those who deserve it and those are few, love is something private".
In general, I can agree that we do not agree, but this is not the case here, because love, beyond being intimate, is universal, it is the foundation of the human being without which we cannot live. And in fact, there is no disagreement, only that love comes in steps, towards parents, siblings, spouses, children and fellow human beings. Each of us will go through all these steps when and only when we become aware of their importance in our lives.
It's simpler to be ME and that's it
To what I wrote above the answer often is: "sounds good, but I don't have time for that", "it's too complicated and I don't have the nerves to change", "that's who I am, who wants me well, who doesn't, no" or "it's easier to smile nicely, apply the techniques and get back to my family and friends that really matter, what do I care about the rest of the people?!". And the answers can continue under different variations in the same spirit of the habit of doing things in a hurry and without emotional involvement. What those who say all this don't realize is that they'll have to keep it up for the rest of their lives, which, as the song goes, is just one thing.
Development is like brushing your teeth and authentic communication doesn't exist without vulnerability
The alternative would be to choose to internalize the process so that it becomes routine, an integral part of us...like breathing, blinking or...brushing our teeth. What if we could relate as easily to any person as we do to those we love? With them we find it easy (most of the time) precisely because of the love we have for them, which love comes from within us, not from outside, we generate it...so we could with others too...just be willing to turn on the love tap.
Of course, that would often mean becoming vulnerable because we care and being vulnerable is seen by most as a weakness. Is it really a weakness? And I'm talking about real vulnerability, not "campaign" vulnerability. Especially since in general the number of people a person interacts with is small and often constant, it's not like we have to do this every day with 6 billion people. For most the number is under 10, for others under 50 and for a few it rises towards or over 100, but then the relationship is very limited.
At Christmas...all the cats are coloured
As we enter the winter holiday season, I'll end with a thought I have every year throughout December: What if we gave all year long this good energy that we celebrate Christmas and New Year's, and always give gifts like we do in December? And by gift I mean anything from a smile or a kind word up... to luxury cars or tropical islands. I think it might be hard, but on the other hand we'd see ourselves transformed beyond recognition, in such a way that we'd get to enjoy all the skills and techniques of personal development to the fullest. And most importantly, they will no longer seem, to us or to others, techniques, skills or knowledge and strategies, but will be a natural manifestation of our personality.