My zodiac sign is Taurus, and the Taurus zodiac signs are considered foodies, obsessive, stubborn, and very, very stability loving. I feel like I had fitted that definition for a long time, and I still have times when I'm a true Taurus.
Change didn't particularly appeal to me. I didn't feel comfortable to reach them and when something was about to change my first thought was to find a thousand reasons not to make that change. I convinced myself by telling “let's just rely on what we have” and is not worth it to lose something you have for a possibility. I used to say that if I make a decision, if I choose a path, I have to go for it - all the way. When I went to Law school, I knew I was going to be a lawyer. I also knew that in order to be a successful one the recipe says I have to work in prestigious law firms where I will have the opportunity to handle big clients and complex cases. This includes working late into the night, but also the wisdom of not planning how to spend your time off because something urgent can come up anyway. When I took the oath, they told us that a lawyer should have good legs because you have to walk a lot in this profession.
I ended up practicing law according to the universal recipe and I realized there was indeed a lot of running around to do. I wanted to fit the template and I started running too. And I ran. It was an April day. There were about 16 degrees and all the trees on Snowdrop Street were in bloom. For about 20 minutes I was at the office, after a two-hour drive from a court date for which I woke up at 5 a.m. to review the plea I was about to argue. I was kind of hungry, but there was no time to eat. So I started eating some pretzels and writing, because the next day was the deadline coming up to file an important paper. And deadlines didn't care about being tired or hungry. They're running anyway. As I was typing, the drips of sweat started pouring off me. The thought that I would have three more legal cases across the country this week immediately made me shiver. In fact, my body kept signaling me that I should stop this time. To stop and then to choose again, but to choose me. It was telling me that running away from myself wasn't good for me. After many sprints, marathons, ultra marathons... and a few injuries, I was tired of running through law books, legal files and court dates. That the recipe isn't for me and that I'm doing myself an injustice if I don't give myself permission to explore other parts of myself. I felt I didn't have the courage to listen to myself and allow myself to be me. I was afraid to act without knowing for sure the outcome and where I was going.
I began a long and often painful process of self-awareness. I asked myself what I wanted and felt often first-hand what I didn't want. I began to ask myself what my passions were and what direction I should go in, or at least be curious to explore. I realized that family and community were among my values. I discovered that I love long walks and being in nature, often with my dog Luna.
I discovered that I like freedom and independence. That I like professional challenges and want to learn something new every day. I realized that I like pistachio ice cream, interior design and that I get visual satisfaction from redesigning certain rooms in the house and rewarding myself at the end of the design by... buying another scented candle. I'm curious about Psychology. I've started listening to psychology podcasts and reading books in the field or fiction written by psychoanalysts or psychiatrists. I discovered that I love talking to people and trying to help them unravel their own souls. I allowed myself to explore more of the world around me and to have the courage to create a purpose that felt like my own. I decided to choose my own ingredients, my own recipe that would suit my tastes and not those of society or people giving their opinions from the sidelines about how I should be.
So I decided to follow my heart and see everything as a game, like Luna often does. I decided not to believe the voices, especially the voices in my head that said, "What if you don't make it?", "What if you don't like it?" "It's too late". I preferred to believe other voices that said: "What if it doesn't work out? At least you're giving yourself a chance to try", "It's never too late". Seven years after graduating from Law school, I decided to have the courage to be curious again and take action without knowing the outcome. I decided to prepare for admission to the Faculty of Psychology one month before the exam. After a month of studying in the morning before going to the office and also after work, the day of the exam arrived.
I didn't feel ready, but I had read at some point that you don't have to be prepared because you will never feel 100% prepared, but that you have to have the courage to take the smallest step towards your goal. So I mustered up the courage and took a few steps towards the cab I was going to get into to go to college.
It was such a beautiful July day. It was the first time I felt happy - regardless of the outcome. I knew I had the courage to give myself a chance to explore a part of me that was hidden after "Aren't you tired of all these exams?", "What are you doing, Elena? Are you doing this at 30 just to learn something new?". I didn't listen to the voices, I stepped out of the mold and started my studies in 2023. I am now a freshman. I also quit my job in 2023 and started a new job - I am now a legal consultant at a company. I gave myself permission to have the courage to take on a lot more responsibility and the role of final decision on the legal side in a company, in a completely new niche area compared to what I was doing before. I had the courage to leave the known and go into the unknown. Even though it's harder, even though there are many challenges and areas of law that I may be exploring for the first time, I wake up every morning and choose excitement and curiosity over fear and comfort. I have learned that even though the new may be uncomfortable, there is a possibility that it will bring happiness.
Today, I allow myself to have the courage to ask questions, to accept that I do not know something, to expose myself to new situations.... And to have moments when I allow myself to stop being a real Taurus. I give myself permission (and I invite you to do so) to have the courage to let go of things that no longer fit me and are starting to tighten me like a shirt that is a smaller size. I give myself permission to have the courage to change, to act, and to be.
